Rage, Unforgiveness and Dignity...Oh My!

This is one of those blogs where I've sat here looking at the keyboard for a length of time wondering how to start writing and what to start writing about.
I'll start with saying, what I'm addressing in this blog is something everyone on Earth has experienced at some time or another. So I feel I am in good company.
Bit of background on my life: I have been attending college since January 2007. I've loved every second of it and have pushed myself to graduate with a degree in education in four years. Which means I've had very little time for a whole lot of things. But I can say that I've allowed God to do SO much in me since the beginning of my new life!
That's what I call October 30, 2006.....it was when I received my new life. It was almost as if the skies that had been as black as storm clouds, suddenly parted and I could once again see and feel the sunshine. I had wonderful family and friends who supported me, who STILL support me. The Lord restores....he renews.....and he revives! I can say this from experience.
The downside is, sometimes when you're not looking....old habits, familiar feelings and things you thought you put away, suddenly become your constant companion. I have worked really hard at forgiveness over the course of my new life. I could tell when I needed to revisit the issue of forgiveness, and I would dive headlong into it, get it taken care of and get on with living my life.
So it strikes me as so ridiculous when I turn around one day and realize I've had a somewhat silent partner attached to me for the past four months. He goes by the name of Unforgiveness. But this is one sly dog...his name is in a constant state of change. Unforgiveness changes to Avoidance....or maybe Anger.....Rage.....Bitterness....Stubborness. Or maybe his name doesn't change at all. Maybe, just maybe, these are all members of his crew.
I'll be honest and tell you that I've been ridin' with this posse for a few months now. And they're not the kindest bunch to be hobknobbing with. They like to wreak havoc with your emotions and constantly remind you of your faults, your shame and even your lack of dignity. They convince you that you cannot attain certain things because of your past......that you'll always have a lack of trust in the opposite sex.....that just because you're Mom has received amazing blessings after being faithful in all things, doesn't mean you'll receive the same. Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, right?
These slippery slur-slingers have a whole arsenal full of negative quips to throw at you when the time is right for them.
But then something happens. God starts reading your mail.
You go along thinking "fine, read my mail, but leave me to my own devices. I've gotten used to Mr. Unforgiveness and he's my pal."
Then God begins to get really personal.....not only does he continue to read your mail, but he begins to pick up the mail directly from the mailman in order to bring it to your front door Himself. And then the knocking starts.
And it's relentless. If I've learned anything over the past three to four weeks, it's that I serve a RELENTLESS God!
He knocks, and knocks and knocks some more. And I know that he will continue to knock as long as he senses me behind that door, peeking out of the peephole to see if He's still there or not.
Why won't I open the door?
Transparent Julie says because I'm ashamed that I'm back at the place of needing him to knock repeatedly. I logically know riding with the Cowboys of Cruel only hurts me and keeps me from reaching my full potential spiritually or emotionally. But it's become a familiar trail, and unfortunately it has become The Trail of Tears.
A very wise woman pointed out to me recently that I have too much going for me to be hiding behind that door, refusing the healing that's waiting on the other side. She's also the same one that told me of a vision she had seven years ago that began with me being drug through the sand, holding on for all I was worth, to the hand of God. She railed at God that he would not carry me when I most needed it. Why would he drag me? He stood me up and turned me around to look at the track marks made along the beach.....a wind blew by and completely erased those track marks.
It was a poignant time in my life when she told me of this dream. She didn't even know how my life was unraveling. Sometimes I think that wind has come by, finally....and the marks are gone.
Then there are times like the present that I realize just how deep those grooves are, but that maybe they're more shallow than they were last year.....
Through everything, I realize that I'm still in a process. A process that I hope will end in me becoming the woman God wants me to become.
But I know to become that woman I have to open that dad-gummed door that's about to break down because of the constant knocking that's emanating from the hand that has never let go of me, even when I was being drug through the wet muck.
Who knows, maybe on the other side of that door is that wind.....the wind that's waiting to erase those drag marks in the sand.

To be continued.....